Life in the review mirror  OR Coming out. Figuring out. Becoming ME.

Laughter-I am a crazy, playful child. I run like the wind-you can’t catch me! The music in my heart makes me spin and dance, sparkling in the sun.

I am peeking out from under the bed. Is he gone? Is it safe? Fear chills rock my spine, knowing that even if I want, I am not big enough to fight this battle alone. Who can I ask? No one hears me.

I am an angry teen. Life around me ROARS. No one can tell me, no one can touch me. I can’t, no I won’t hear you. You had your chance. My life is mine and I am angry. The anger feels good, solid- a weapon I can use to push my way out. Don’t touch me man! I will hurt you-if you make me-I am angry (?) I think.

College? Class, beers, boys and tears…Oh my God I am 19,20, 21. Crashing through life like a pinball. Knocking things down, moving right, moving left. Tasting the world. East Coast, West Coast, Art, street people and LIFE…what a beautiful mess this is.

Exhaustion creeps in- religion follows. I bow my knee, hoping for relief and refreshment. I spin my talents, volunteer here, give my time there-looking for love and acceptance in a church full of disasters. Judgment comes easy, if you turn off your heart. “Those” people who are lost look familiar…like me.

Floating through life, playing a game. Trying to find something or someone outside me to make my life valid. Why can I fix everything that is broken, except me? Maybe I am onto something. Except me. Accept me? Is that an option?

Becoming friends with the world of gray-or is it colors? Not all black and white like younger me thought. Can I be accountable? Does any of this count anyway? Beautiful friendships, agonizing relationships. Illumination comes in the form of a woman.