It is coming

Change, it is coming, like a man at the peak of his arousal, it is coming, unstoppable and messy. The weather has dictated that change is on the way, the fog hangs lower and longer. A density like split pea soup fog referenced in "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" the book not the movie that one is enveloped by, becomes a part of. An entire city disappearing in fog and barely noticing.

Something must change, everything is always changing. Listening today as the broken record of could have, should have, will never, plays into my ears directly into my soul and bitters my heart. I forget some do not have a better idea of what is possible and a world of what ifs is what they cling to. It is scary to think about change, but it is coming, small or enormous. Some you can recover from others will scar you forever. Something must change.

Sitting in traffic for an hour, twice a day only to arrive at two locations that do not feel right is crushing. Why does fear win? We are so much better at predicting the end of the world than a happiness that is just out of reach. I only whisper my dreams, loudly in my head, nearly silent outside. Nearly, that is where to start.

I yearn and fear to be alone, with change, I will be. I foresee joy and happiness and relaxation in my solitude, something I haven't known in years and years. I fear loneliness, the intimacy I discovered with a partner, albeit a partner who lacks passion and the acknowledgement that I am not static as he is.

I am young, too young to be as old as the man I have thrown my lot in with. There are moments, glimmers of life that I understand why I am here and with him, though those moments are fleeting and heartbreaking. A reminder that this is how it could be but is not. Too often we return to the dullness of going to bed before 9, never going out, it seems adventure is lost; consequences too prominent to be considered...he will be tired tomorrow, too tired, always tired. I feel sex crazed and unfulfilled and undesirable as I am constantly turned down at 8 pm because he is tired, too tired, always tired.

I plan to leave, sooner than most think and later than I wanted. But it is coming and has been for longer than I will admit or acknowledge.