Silence

There should be a support group for people like me. People of divorce. I struggle everyday to identify with this notion that I am now divorced, tainted. I know that is not necessarily true, that lots of people get divorced, fail, and try again, however, I feel like I failed and will never recover.

I hesitated, I flinched, I ruined it.

Some days it is not that bad, I go on with my life and with my boyfriend, yes I have a boyfriend. And he can be lovely, though he is nothing like I imagined and some days I notice that more.
Days it gets harder, when I am confronted with his new found happiness, his girlfriend, who is so much more pretty than I ever was. Who, you can tell, is likable and fun and everything he deserves. I try not to hate them, to be devastated by the postings of love, when she claims she has found her soul mate in him. I found him first.

I have no right to be upset, this is my own fault and after dealing with you for 7 years, he deserves to be happy. Don't ruin it, don't message him, don't text him, don't care.

He has moved on, technically so have you, though I am sure that I dwell much more than he does. Why not, I have regrets, real regrets, tangible regrets that I want to run away from on a daily basis. To buy a one way plane ticket to somewhere foreign and just be for awhile, quietly.
I wish I could tell what I really wanted, to see him to hold him to leave him to say goodbye. To burn the dress, pawn the ring and be done. He was the first that I let in, how do you erase 7 years? I can't I will always love him because he was the best part of me for a very long time.

I knew I would divorce, which is never a good starting point. I feared marriage because of my parents, because of my family and I resolved that I would fail.

Either way you are a statistic, it cannot be avoided. I am a statistic of divorce.