Coming home today, the wind lifted under my jacket. The chill ran through me and rattled my bones. I was grateful for the empty garage. A little gift to get out of the weather. The house was quiet. Even the dog wasn’t greeting me. A blustery day with a silent transition.

I saw the trash on the floor. Damn-that’s why no doggie greeting. I can count the number of times on one hand that this dog has hit a trash can. I guess she had an opinion on our solo excursion this week. Boredom, rebellion and then apparently panic when I got home. I called her and she came slinking around the corner. I love dogs. Instant confession and remorse. She and I cleaned it up together as I gave in to the knowledge that we would be taking quite a few walks around the yard tonight. My fuzzy rebel has the most sensitive stomach in the world. Oh joy. So much for out of the weather.

Usually my house is full of sound and people. My wife and I live with my Mom. There is a pretty constant stream of action, opinion and laughter. This week, as they are both out on adventures, I had been looking forward to the quiet. A brief pause where I could do whatever I wanted with my time. Cook what I wanted, go to bed whenever. I am intrigued by my reaction. I lived alone for over 20 years -Now I have been together with my wife for 10 years. If it wasn't the kids in our house it was a brief stay by her parents. A few months we had our kids and grandkids under our roof. And now of course we have Mom. She is lively and funny and keeps me on my toes. I always have these grand hallucinations of what I will do when I am on my own for a few days. This idea of reasserting my independence. The first day is grand, until dark. Then I am grateful for the dog and the security system. This house makes a lot of noises, even with the tv on. I am queen of the castle until bed time. A good soak in the hot tub and I settle down in the blankets. I smell my wife’s skin on the sheets and reach for my cell phone. Hearing her voice helps but I find my feet roam the covers all night, looking for that soft foot they snuggle right before dropping off. I remember again that I have been domesticated. Ensnared. I am hopelessly and completely in love. The other part of my heart is out of my touch, sight, sound- roaming around in the world without me. I think that is the true gift of these times. The reminder of how quiet the house used to be when I came home to just the dog. Before I knew the comfort and laughter, how complete a heart could feel when it is truly well loved and enmeshed with another. I forget that sometimes, when money is tight. When I am feeling lazy, or tired and she wants to finish a project or rearrange the furniture. But all it takes is one night. One quiet evening of house creaking and foot wandering to remind me. I am blessed beyond all measure. Blessed beyond all bills. Blessed beyond family drama and job loss and car problems. Beyond grief and sickness, blessed beyond frustration, and human nature and pain. My soul has found its other. And nothing will ever be the same again. Thank God. I reach for my cell phone. 5 days to go.