What I didn’t say… what I was too
afraid and ashamed to say then was that I wasn't actually looking for a
job. My abusive ex-girlfriend several
nights a week would yell at me that my work schedule was destroying our
relationship and that I should get a new one. I wanted to be a good partner and
be flexible so I looked for a job. Dyanne and I got the house on February 10th
that year and spent a week painting and fixing things up and moved in the
following weekend of the 18th. The morning of the 19th she yelled at me while
we were still in bed. I left to go make coffee after stating that I needed to
be awake for that conversation. And she followed me into the kitchen yelled at
me some more left and slammed the door on her way out of the kitchen.
I had a 3rd interview for this
position and the night before it, while in bed,
she was bitching me out again about how I needed to change jobs. I told
her that I needed her to
"Please stop
saying that my work schedule was destroying our relationship I'm working on it.
I have an interview again tomorrow." And she yelled
"These are my
feelings! As my girlfriend you should want to hear my feelings. My friends want
to hear my feelings and you're my girlfriend."
"Well" I
replied"Could you just tone it down a little?"
And... she lost it! Screaming
"Don't tell me to tone down my feelings. I can’t tone down my feelings. These are my fucking feelings you can't tell me to tone them down."
Needless to say I slept horribly
that night and felt like shit during my 4 hour long shadow shift final
interview. I could barely talk to my potential colleagues who took me on their
rounds to visit clients. It was horrible. And I didn’t get the job. I
applied for this job on the closing date, March 13th 2012, just 3 ½ short
weeks after moving in with Dyanne. I should have known, after over a decade in
Social Work, after countless years of working in Women’s Services, and years of
activism and fighting against oppression that this was going to end badly.
The following weekend after the 3rd
interview I spent most of my time away from the house, talking to friends,
sleeping on the couch and trying to figure out how I could be more flexible and
accommodating. A good friend told me
that yes negotiating new space with a partner is difficult, and yes if I asked
her to stop yelling and she was still yelling in two months I needed to get the
fuck out.
When Dyanne and I reconnected after
my time away we sat down and talked. And I told her… I told her that I didn’t
like all the yelling and that the yelling was starting to feel abusive. She
nodded her head and listened. And for the next 3 months she yelled at me,
slammed doors, flailed her arms, threw punches in the air while yelling at me
about how I was a fucked up girlfriend.
And I kept applying for jobs at Central City Concern. I plugged away at
it and after 10 months, 10 interviews, a shadow shift, and numerous rejection
calls I was eventually hired.
In some sick way I’m sort of
grateful for Dyanne’s horrific behavior. I’ve been with Central City Concern
for almost two years, was recently promoted to an Assistant Program Manager
position overseeing multiple contracts and supervising and awesome team of
service providers, I work with some of the most courageous and committed Social
Workers. Abuse and trauma are powerful. I temporarily sacrificed my self-esteem,
forgot everything I had ever learned about Power & Control and the Cycle of
Abuse and I almost changed so many things about me and my life to accommodate her
raging demands that I be a better girlfriend.
I will be writing a lot through the month of October about Social Work, Love, Fierce Femmes, Femmephobia, Queer Misogyny , The Silent, Silencing & Silenced, Cupcake: my dog, and bunch more
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